today’s society…

today’s society doesn’t understand the word “no”. this world we live in now, is so fucked. everyone just doesn’t care about anyone but themselves anymore. their own pleasure, even if the feeling isn’t mutual. if somebody wants something, they go through anything to get it. even if it’s just what they want and not both of you. at 14 years old- yeah, fourfuckingteen, my own sisters boyfriend raped me. i was with my friend and we went to what was supposed to be a party, but when we got there after getting picked up, it was just us two, my sister’s sick boyfriend, and his friend who was also in a relationship. that itself is fucked up. even if it were to be consensual, that’s cheating. and with family? that’s so fucking low.. i brought my dog with me incase anyone tried getting with me and i didn’t want it. i could just be like sorry i have my dog. well apparently i was wrong. he took my puppy from me and pulled me away from the bonfire near the woods that i have to drive past all the time and get reminded of it.. i said no so many times and tried everything i could to prevent it. but still to this day i blame myself for not preventing it and letting it happen to me. it’s my fault that he’s a sick individual even though i know that and what happened to me was nowhere near my fault. i was too scared to do anything about it after because i knew people would just say i was lying about it for attention or just didn’t like him or whatever. well, as you can see, i do have my reasons for not liking him. real reasons. not made up little lies. a little over a year later, i went to the police about it, but at that point there was no evidence and it was basically just his word against mine. a he said she said, where obviously he won’t admit to what he did to me and probably so many other poor girls that don’t deserve to go through that kind of pain and experience. i built up all that courage to tell someone and got shit on. called a liar by my own family, told i just wanted attention. i lost family because of it. a sister i once called my best friend is now a complete stranger to me. it’s something that you never forget and it sticks with you forever. years later when you find a guy that you truly love and they feel the same about you, you’ll even have trouble looking into his eyes without seeing the face of who took your innocence. what’s even scarier is when you know it’s happening, when you’ve experienced it before and it happens again. you feel even shittier every day about it because if it happened once why would you let yourself get into another situation like that and have it happen again? it’s my fault. but it’s not and i just can’t bring myself to realize that. when i was 16 i was with my friend, her boyfriend and one of his friends. we told her mom we were going to the movies, but instead we decided to go night fishing.. when we got there another friend showed up too and we realized we needed bait. there was only enough room for four of us in the car we were taking to get bait. then it was his truck and her boyfriends truck, both of which only seat two people. so i was told to stay at the fishing spot with the friend. i was getting anxious already before they even left. then, i was alone in the dark with a stranger where nobody would hear my screams. he started trying to kiss me and he turned the lights off. i texted my friend telling him to call me and pretend it was an emergency, but it was too late. he was already forcing himself into me and my friend didn’t get the message until later.. after it had already happened. it’s all embedded into my head so clearly and i get flash backs every day. in the memories, i see his face. his ugly, scumbag face. it’s dark and he’s telling me it’ll be okay, and i hear myself say no. but i don’t feel myself say it. i’m numb, as if i’m not even in my own body.. i cant feel myself yelling and kicking. it’s as if my cries meant i wanted him to keep going. the flashbacks are almost as bad as the actual experience. they make me feel even more at guilt for not trying harder. i let it happen. i didn’t stop it. i could’ve done more. but in the moment, i couldn’t have done more. i couldn’t think straight, i couldn’t function. the only words that i could get out of my mouth were “no” and “stop”. i couldn’t come to realization that there was a door right next to me i could’ve just opened and ran to get help. but i couldn’t have. he was holding me down. it can’t be my fault.

for anyone who’s gone through similar situations, or anything like this. it’s not your fault. you may live the rest of your life thinking you could’ve done more and it’ll haunt you every single day. but it wasn’t. what they did to you was not your fault at all. you tried everything in your power at the moment to stop it. don’t go over in your head what you could’ve done or should’ve done. because you couldn’t have. you were too scared to think and they should have respected the word no. it only has one meaning and they should’ve understood it. it’s not that hard to comprehend, it’s simple and only two letters. no.

i didn’t write this to get everyone’s pitty. i couldn’t care less about that. i did it so anyone who’s struggled with that knows they’re not alone and there’s someone they can talk to about it. so when someone tells me to take this down it’s too personal, i’m not going to. because other people who are struggling with this need to know it wasn’t their fault either.

i’m always just a message away. if you need someone to talk to i don’t care if it’s 2am and you’re a complete stranger, i’ll be there for you. i know what it’s like. but you never know what someone’s been through. don’t be selfish and blame them for it, listen.

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Life Update!

In my opinion, I think it’s time for a little life update… There’s some big news!

To start things off, I turned 17 in March and had a great birthday! I recently at the end of the school year found out I get to graduate early (January 2019)! I had more than enough credits at the end of my junior year, I just needed PIG and economics in order to graduate, which I haven’t taken yet, hence why i have to wait until January to actually graduate.

My mom bought a new house, and my dad’s girlfriend of 5 years (that he just told me about a few days ago) is coming to live with us for six months since she lives in Taiwan. So yeah, that’s gonna be a huge adjustment. My parents JUST separated now he’s already having us meet his girlfriend. Whatever, I’ll keep an open mind about it all.

Here’s part of the big news- I’M GETTING MARRIED!!! Yes, I know, I’m only 17 and he’s only 20, that’s really young to get engaged. But I found someone I love with my entire heart plus more and who loves me back, so feelings are mutual. Getting engaged young just means we have more time to do things together. It isn’t necessarily rushing things, but people are still gonna hate no matter what the circumstances are. As long as we’re happy with the decisions we make, which we are, we’re fine.

Thanks for reading guys, what’s been new with you?!

What Do I Want To Do?

This is going to be somewhat of a confusing post, I just want to get my ideas and what’s going through my head written down, so bear with me for a minute.

There comes a time for everyone when we need to decide what it is we want to do with our lives. Do you want to be a doctor? A teacher? What about raising fish at a fish hatchery? There’s so many options out there, which is partly what makes the decision so difficult for so many of us. Some people know their whole lives exactly what they want to do and how they’re going to do it. Others, like me, have no clue.

My whole life, I’ve wanted to go into the medical field. But, with switching to an alternative school freshman year that doesn’t offer advanced regents diplomas, makes it harder for me to do that. Yes, I can still do it, but it’ll be a lot harder. And talking with my guidance counselor about all my options makes me realize everything else that’s out there. Do I still want to go into the medical field? It all leaves me unsure on what to do. A new chapter of my life is about to begin and I’m going in blind. I have no clue anymore what I’m good at, what my skills are, what I want to do. It’s confusing and leaves me with a lot of stress…

I started taking career quizzes online, the results are all very similar- doctor, nurse, counselor. What I need to do, is find something that’s a little bit of everything in a way. What I’m leaning most towards now, is a psychologist. My aunt owns her own practice so I would already have a good job lined up, and she would be able to help me through it. I want to help people, and given everything I’ve gone through, I feel as if I would be good at that.

If anyone has any comments, please feel free to leave them! Again, I’m sorry this isn’t your typical blog post and it’s more of me just trying to figure things out, but maybe other people are in the same position as I am and we can help each other out! Thanks guys, have a fantastic day! (:

The Best Succulents

Today, I wanted to make a post solely about succulent plants and their benefits. Succulents are my favorite type of plant, not only because I think they’re really cute, but also because of the way they can improve your health!

Aloe Vera- One of the most commonly known succulent plants is aloe vera. Aloe can repair dead skin cells, and can also be used in conditioners to leave your hair looking silky and shiny. It also promotes hair growth, and as you probably know, it has many healing properties.

Euphorbia Tirucalli- This succulent aids in asthma, colicness, coughs, and also has antioxidant activity like most other succulent plants.

Echeveria- This plant benefits your skin, hair, and makes air quality more purified. It is also very versatile.

Hippie Lifestyle

Personally, I’ve been trying to become more in tune with myself, be more natural, and be at peace. I researched a lot for this post and found LOTS of good tips and ideas! I’m here today to share them with you!

YOGA- Yoga is a great way to get in tune with yourself both physically and mentally. The word yoga translates to mean “to unite”. It’s a very calming exercise that promotes flexibility, improves your mood, helps relax you, and has many more positive effects!

AROMATHERAPY- For this, you’ll need essential oils made from natural materials. You can use aromatherapy for spiritual, hygienic, and therapeutic purposes. Different scents provide different benefits. It can help relieve stress, uplift your mood, help with anxiety, etc.

MEDITATION- Meditation induces relaxation, energy levels, and forgiveness. It helps you to clear your mind and bring you to a better place in your mental state. There are physical and mental benefits such as boosting serotonin, lowers high blood pressure, increases creativity, and promotes inner peace.

JOURNALISM- Writing down how you feel can help you so much. It’ll help you understand yourself better or a situation you’re going through. Putting it on paper allows you to be more honest with yourself since it’s not talking to another person.

CHAKRAS- I made a post in the past about balancing your chakras, but I ended up deleting it. There’s a lot of information that goes along with this and I’ll probably make a post about it again. Chakras are energies throughout your body, and if they get blocked by negative energy it could cause physical and emotional ailments. Being in balance with your chakras helps boost confidence and improves your mood.

REIKI- This is a form of healing by life force energy. You use your hands and guide all the energy into your palms and move it into the body to promote healing. This is a complex medicine alternative that takes lots of practice.

SUCCULENTS- Certain plants help to clear and purify the air around you, and they look beautiful, too!

INCENSE- By burning certain scents of incense, you can become more relaxed and peaceful. Calm down after a long day and let your senses take over.

That’s all for this post! I hope it helps you and you enjoyed reading it. I plan on making more posts like this, let me know what you think!