today’s society…

today’s society doesn’t understand the word “no”. this world we live in now, is so fucked. everyone just doesn’t care about anyone but themselves anymore. their own pleasure, even if the feeling isn’t mutual. if somebody wants something, they go through anything to get it. even if it’s just what they want and not both of you. at 14 years old- yeah, fourfuckingteen, my own sisters boyfriend raped me. i was with my friend and we went to what was supposed to be a party, but when we got there after getting picked up, it was just us two, my sister’s sick boyfriend, and his friend who was also in a relationship. that itself is fucked up. even if it were to be consensual, that’s cheating. and with family? that’s so fucking low.. i brought my dog with me incase anyone tried getting with me and i didn’t want it. i could just be like sorry i have my dog. well apparently i was wrong. he took my puppy from me and pulled me away from the bonfire near the woods that i have to drive past all the time and get reminded of it.. i said no so many times and tried everything i could to prevent it. but still to this day i blame myself for not preventing it and letting it happen to me. it’s my fault that he’s a sick individual even though i know that and what happened to me was nowhere near my fault. i was too scared to do anything about it after because i knew people would just say i was lying about it for attention or just didn’t like him or whatever. well, as you can see, i do have my reasons for not liking him. real reasons. not made up little lies. a little over a year later, i went to the police about it, but at that point there was no evidence and it was basically just his word against mine. a he said she said, where obviously he won’t admit to what he did to me and probably so many other poor girls that don’t deserve to go through that kind of pain and experience. i built up all that courage to tell someone and got shit on. called a liar by my own family, told i just wanted attention. i lost family because of it. a sister i once called my best friend is now a complete stranger to me. it’s something that you never forget and it sticks with you forever. years later when you find a guy that you truly love and they feel the same about you, you’ll even have trouble looking into his eyes without seeing the face of who took your innocence. what’s even scarier is when you know it’s happening, when you’ve experienced it before and it happens again. you feel even shittier every day about it because if it happened once why would you let yourself get into another situation like that and have it happen again? it’s my fault. but it’s not and i just can’t bring myself to realize that. when i was 16 i was with my friend, her boyfriend and one of his friends. we told her mom we were going to the movies, but instead we decided to go night fishing.. when we got there another friend showed up too and we realized we needed bait. there was only enough room for four of us in the car we were taking to get bait. then it was his truck and her boyfriends truck, both of which only seat two people. so i was told to stay at the fishing spot with the friend. i was getting anxious already before they even left. then, i was alone in the dark with a stranger where nobody would hear my screams. he started trying to kiss me and he turned the lights off. i texted my friend telling him to call me and pretend it was an emergency, but it was too late. he was already forcing himself into me and my friend didn’t get the message until later.. after it had already happened. it’s all embedded into my head so clearly and i get flash backs every day. in the memories, i see his face. his ugly, scumbag face. it’s dark and he’s telling me it’ll be okay, and i hear myself say no. but i don’t feel myself say it. i’m numb, as if i’m not even in my own body.. i cant feel myself yelling and kicking. it’s as if my cries meant i wanted him to keep going. the flashbacks are almost as bad as the actual experience. they make me feel even more at guilt for not trying harder. i let it happen. i didn’t stop it. i could’ve done more. but in the moment, i couldn’t have done more. i couldn’t think straight, i couldn’t function. the only words that i could get out of my mouth were “no” and “stop”. i couldn’t come to realization that there was a door right next to me i could’ve just opened and ran to get help. but i couldn’t have. he was holding me down. it can’t be my fault.

for anyone who’s gone through similar situations, or anything like this. it’s not your fault. you may live the rest of your life thinking you could’ve done more and it’ll haunt you every single day. but it wasn’t. what they did to you was not your fault at all. you tried everything in your power at the moment to stop it. don’t go over in your head what you could’ve done or should’ve done. because you couldn’t have. you were too scared to think and they should have respected the word no. it only has one meaning and they should’ve understood it. it’s not that hard to comprehend, it’s simple and only two letters. no.

i didn’t write this to get everyone’s pitty. i couldn’t care less about that. i did it so anyone who’s struggled with that knows they’re not alone and there’s someone they can talk to about it. so when someone tells me to take this down it’s too personal, i’m not going to. because other people who are struggling with this need to know it wasn’t their fault either.

i’m always just a message away. if you need someone to talk to i don’t care if it’s 2am and you’re a complete stranger, i’ll be there for you. i know what it’s like. but you never know what someone’s been through. don’t be selfish and blame them for it, listen.

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Beautiful Chaos

Beautiful Chaos- Robert M. Drake
She had a little rebel in her. A little chaos and a little gentleness..
The most beautiful things begin in chaos..
Be you. Be original. Be all the things they say you cannot be. rebellion is the key. Break the rules, and you will find something they have never seen before..
Live in the moment. All else means nothing..

-XOXO Casey

Camping Stories

Three words; family camping trips. No, not just a regular camping trip with your parents and siblings, but with your entire family. Cousins, aunts, uncles, and only once a year at a new place each time. You get to see relatives you only rarely get to see, maybe twice a year at the most. Swimming, biking, fishing, campfires, scary stories, s’mores, and lots of adventures and memories. Me and my sister Sydney are really close to one of our cousins Maddie, we’re all girls and around the same age so we share a lot of the same interests. Last year, it was our first night at the campground and we decided we wanted to go night swimming… In order to get into the pool when it’s dark you have to jump the fence. Maddie and Sydney wanted me to go first, so as usual, I went first. Right as I jumped down inside the pool area the owner of the campground came down the hill. She started asking my sister and cousin a series of questions asking what they were doing by the pool fence so late and told them to go back to our site since it was now quiet hours. I was so sure she saw me, so I started pacing back and forth all nonchalantly so she wouldn’t get suspicious and think I was in there, but apparently she didn’t. As soon as she left and was out of ear shot we started dying laughing at how oblivious the lady was. That’s like one of those inside stories, you would have had to have been there to know how funny the situation truly was. Next up, we have the street sign incident… As you may know, campgrounds often have road signs to mark some of the different paths. What you may not know, is that they go down into the ground about four feet sometimes. Me and my cousin Chris decided to pull the sign out of the ground just for our own entertainment. We pulled one of them out and started walking around with the sign, when a campground officer starts coming down the road in his little golf cart. The worker looked directly at us, burped and drove off laughing… We were stunned with confusion but found the whole situation totally hilarious, and we continued our mission to put the sign back in. The next day the owner had an additional sign reading “Please do not move signs”.  Now for the bathrooms. Me, Sydney, Chris and Maddie had this crazy idea in our minds that the bathrooms were haunted when we were younger. To try to convince other people into believing our logic, we started following people into them at midnight and silently drawing on the mirrors while they were using the restroom, flicker lights and lock them in. One of he nights, I went into the women’s bathroom and decided it would be pretty “paranormal” if I stood on a toilet so they couldn’t see my feet and attach a clear elastic string to the flush handle of the toilet in my stall and on both sides of mine and flush them when someone was using one of them. All went well as it played out in my head, but when the first time rolled around, my foot slipped and I fell right onto the bathroom floor…Karma? I think yes. Now that I’ve embarrassed myself enough, I think I’ll wait to tell more stories about my family camping trips. Just one tip of advice: When standing on toilets, wear shoes and not just socks if you don’t want to fall in.

-XOXO Casey