today’s society…

today’s society doesn’t understand the word “no”. this world we live in now, is so fucked. everyone just doesn’t care about anyone but themselves anymore. their own pleasure, even if the feeling isn’t mutual. if somebody wants something, they go through anything to get it. even if it’s just what they want and not both of you. at 14 years old- yeah, fourfuckingteen, my own sisters boyfriend raped me. i was with my friend and we went to what was supposed to be a party, but when we got there after getting picked up, it was just us two, my sister’s sick boyfriend, and his friend who was also in a relationship. that itself is fucked up. even if it were to be consensual, that’s cheating. and with family? that’s so fucking low.. i brought my dog with me incase anyone tried getting with me and i didn’t want it. i could just be like sorry i have my dog. well apparently i was wrong. he took my puppy from me and pulled me away from the bonfire near the woods that i have to drive past all the time and get reminded of it.. i said no so many times and tried everything i could to prevent it. but still to this day i blame myself for not preventing it and letting it happen to me. it’s my fault that he’s a sick individual even though i know that and what happened to me was nowhere near my fault. i was too scared to do anything about it after because i knew people would just say i was lying about it for attention or just didn’t like him or whatever. well, as you can see, i do have my reasons for not liking him. real reasons. not made up little lies. a little over a year later, i went to the police about it, but at that point there was no evidence and it was basically just his word against mine. a he said she said, where obviously he won’t admit to what he did to me and probably so many other poor girls that don’t deserve to go through that kind of pain and experience. i built up all that courage to tell someone and got shit on. called a liar by my own family, told i just wanted attention. i lost family because of it. a sister i once called my best friend is now a complete stranger to me. it’s something that you never forget and it sticks with you forever. years later when you find a guy that you truly love and they feel the same about you, you’ll even have trouble looking into his eyes without seeing the face of who took your innocence. what’s even scarier is when you know it’s happening, when you’ve experienced it before and it happens again. you feel even shittier every day about it because if it happened once why would you let yourself get into another situation like that and have it happen again? it’s my fault. but it’s not and i just can’t bring myself to realize that. when i was 16 i was with my friend, her boyfriend and one of his friends. we told her mom we were going to the movies, but instead we decided to go night fishing.. when we got there another friend showed up too and we realized we needed bait. there was only enough room for four of us in the car we were taking to get bait. then it was his truck and her boyfriends truck, both of which only seat two people. so i was told to stay at the fishing spot with the friend. i was getting anxious already before they even left. then, i was alone in the dark with a stranger where nobody would hear my screams. he started trying to kiss me and he turned the lights off. i texted my friend telling him to call me and pretend it was an emergency, but it was too late. he was already forcing himself into me and my friend didn’t get the message until later.. after it had already happened. it’s all embedded into my head so clearly and i get flash backs every day. in the memories, i see his face. his ugly, scumbag face. it’s dark and he’s telling me it’ll be okay, and i hear myself say no. but i don’t feel myself say it. i’m numb, as if i’m not even in my own body.. i cant feel myself yelling and kicking. it’s as if my cries meant i wanted him to keep going. the flashbacks are almost as bad as the actual experience. they make me feel even more at guilt for not trying harder. i let it happen. i didn’t stop it. i could’ve done more. but in the moment, i couldn’t have done more. i couldn’t think straight, i couldn’t function. the only words that i could get out of my mouth were “no” and “stop”. i couldn’t come to realization that there was a door right next to me i could’ve just opened and ran to get help. but i couldn’t have. he was holding me down. it can’t be my fault.

for anyone who’s gone through similar situations, or anything like this. it’s not your fault. you may live the rest of your life thinking you could’ve done more and it’ll haunt you every single day. but it wasn’t. what they did to you was not your fault at all. you tried everything in your power at the moment to stop it. don’t go over in your head what you could’ve done or should’ve done. because you couldn’t have. you were too scared to think and they should have respected the word no. it only has one meaning and they should’ve understood it. it’s not that hard to comprehend, it’s simple and only two letters. no.

i didn’t write this to get everyone’s pitty. i couldn’t care less about that. i did it so anyone who’s struggled with that knows they’re not alone and there’s someone they can talk to about it. so when someone tells me to take this down it’s too personal, i’m not going to. because other people who are struggling with this need to know it wasn’t their fault either.

i’m always just a message away. if you need someone to talk to i don’t care if it’s 2am and you’re a complete stranger, i’ll be there for you. i know what it’s like. but you never know what someone’s been through. don’t be selfish and blame them for it, listen.

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